The high pitch buzz of
my alarm clock woke me. Feeling the top of my head where the man with the
hammer was thumping I regretted having all that beer over the weekend. Sitting
up on my left elbow I glanced out through the partly open curtains. The sky was
a dull gray with thick rain clouds. There was a road hammer pounding away just
outside my house making the head ache hurt more and then there was the still
buzzing of my alarm clock.
Turning and pressing the off button to quieten the damn thing I felt like death
warmed up. It was going to be one of those days I said to myself. Carefully
getting up I shuffled down the stairs one at a time making sure I held the
stair rail tightly. Getting a bowl out of the cupboard I filled it with some
cereal and milk. The kettle whistled as it told me it was ready to make the one
cup of tea that sat in front of me. Taking a chair I sat there looking at the
clock to the left of the cupboard full of tin foods. It was ticking too loudly
for my liking. Then I noticed that I was reaching eight thirty five. I left the
bowl and tea to sit on the table and rushed to the small corridor that led to
the front door. I bent down and picked up the brief case full of my important
documents that I was going to need for that day. I unlocked the door with the
keys that I had picked up form beside the phone where they stood. I closed the
door and locked it slipping the keys into my brief case as I did so.
I walked down the short gravel path to the gate, which groaned when opened. I
would oil it one day. Turning onto the path to head for the nearest bus stop I
noticed that the day was chilly, which would help, I hoped, wake me up. From
afar I could see there was a small queue there. Mostly business men and
children going to school, mixed with the odd lady with a pram. One or two
turned and glanced as I approached them, some tutted, which I ignored as this
was early morning and some people were grumpy then. I reached the shelter and
had a quick look at the digital wrist watch on my left arm. I then noticed that
the damn bus was running late again, due to them rotten road works. I didn’t
want to be late again as I was already close to being demoted.
Then when I looked up again I saw a large red double-decker bus drawing up to a
stop. The doors hissed open and the queue shuffled onto the bus. I kept my eyes
on the young lady in front of me making sure I didn’t tread on her high heels.
She brushed her blonde hair back as she stepped up onto the bus. She turned to
look behind herself and gave a short giggle. She pulled the ticket stub out and
made her way down the bus. I approached the driver and slowly reached down into
my black suit trousers pocket only to find that I still had my stripped pajamas
on. I turned to try to leave the bus, but the doors where already shut. I
turned back toward the driver. I felt a spinning sensation as I did so. It was
like I had just drunk another pint of beer there and then.
“Here is your ticket
to Punderland sir,” I noticed that the driver spoke with a slight Jamaican
accent.
“Sorry I wanted to go
to Sunderland,” I said curtly.
“Look man just take a
seat. I’ve got to get a move on as we are late already.”
I turned to see if I
could get off, but the bus was moving, yet it wasn’t a bus any more. The bus
had turned into a boat. The floor was now decking. The road was water and the
boat was sailing towards a coastal town which was getting closer quickly. From
here I could see a green leafy arbor that the boat was heading for. The boat
slowly edged its way into the narrow harbor. There was a wooden pier that stood
out slightly. This was where the boat was tied up. Glancing around I noticed
there was statues placed neatly around the harbor with three benches. The gang
plank was slowly lowered by the captain of the boat.
“There you go man.
Enjoy your stay,”
I walked slowly down
the wooden plank not knowing what I was letting myself in for. I walked around
the harbor into the large town.
“Where are you heading mister,” I heard a gruff voice ask.
I looked around to see
who had spoken to me, but all I saw was a sandy brown Labrador male dog. He was
sitting patiently. I thought he was there with someone else. So who had spoken
to me I wondered. There were people, but they were some distance off. This left
the dog that sat in front of me. The next thing I did made me feel slightly
silly, but I had to do it.
“Err. Excuse me, but
you didn’t just speak to me didn’t you,” I asked the dog?
“Yes I did. What else
did you expect your guide dog to do?”
I watched as the dog’s
lips moved forming words as it did so. This was one strange day. Now there was
a dog talking to me.
“What is it you do
then?” Still feeling silly at asking.
“I’m here to guide you
around Punderland. That is why I’m your guide dog.”
“So where do we go
from here then mister guide dog?”
“That depends on what
you want to do first sir.”
“I need something to
drink. It might make me feel better.”
“Right, follow me to
the best coffee house in Punderland,”
I followed the dog as
it trotted off towards what looked like to be the most expensive coffee shop in
the town. Outside the place I could see some tables over which there where
large umbrella’s to keep the warm sun off the people who sat at the tables with
their dinners and teas. The guide dog led me to an empty chair at one of these
outside tables.
“Sit here mister,” It
said pointing its nose at the chair.
“Right. You sure this
is the best place to get a cup of coffee?”
“It’s one of the finest,”
So I sat on the white
chair next to the short metal table. Glancing around I noticed that the others
were drinking some odd stuff. Then I saw the waiter next to me. He was a few
inches shorter than me and had all the normal clothes for a waiter.
“What does sir
require?”
“Please can you bring
me a cup of tea?” Looking to the guide dog to see if it agreed.
It just nodded.
The waiter turned and
headed back into the coffee shop. Looking across the road from where I sat I
noted a tall slim man covered in a copper outfit. He had a tall copper hat on
his head too. He stood with his arms crossed behind his back, watching me. A
half hour passed before the waiter returned. He placed a mug onto the table
top. Looking at it I noticed the there was a letter T inside.
“Excuse me, but all
this mug holds is a letter T,”
“Sir that is what you
asked for. A cup of T.”
I then looked at the
table to see if there was anything else out of place. It was then I noted the
salt shaker. I picked up the tall glass salt pot to look at the white stuff
inside. But as I did so I felt a sharp pain in my shin. This made me let go of
the salt pot. It flew up and down onto the ground. Looking down to see what had
hit me I saw a square black thing that I swear looked just like a car battery.
The next thing I knew the tall copper man was standing next to my table and had
reached out to me.
“I am putting you
under arrest sir,”
“What for?”
“For assaulting a
battery,”
“What!“ I said
incredulously. “Where are you going to take me?”
“To the station sir,”
The copper man slipped
some cuffs onto my wrist and we headed down the path. At least the guide dog
was still with me. As we walked I noted that we were heading for a large brown
brick building. It looked older than the ones surrounding it. On the side the
words police station were emblazoned in blue words. The copper man pushed me
through the two oaken doors. Inside I noticed that the reception desk was
behind thick glass. Behind this stood two more copper men. Both built like
brick shit houses. “What have we here then P.C Copperhead?”
“I arrested this man
for assaulting a battery sir,” He snapped a crisp salute.
The taller of the two
men with short brown hair turned to the older copper man with short gray hair.
“Corporal Punishment,”
“Yes Inspector
Problem”
“It looks like we’ve a
nasty little man here and his guide dog. It is said he assaulted a battery what
do you think we should do?”
“How about the cat-o-nine tails sir,”
“Oh that sounds just
right for what he has done,”
I watched closely as
Corporal Punishment walked out of the reception area out into the back rooms.
He returned minuutes later with what looked like a medium sized tabby cat, but
the most unusual thing was that it had nine tails.
“What sort of
punishment do they call this?” I asked the guide dog.
“Oh you wait till they
get the cat going,” It paused. “Then you will find out,”
“Get it going!”
I watched as the
corporal tugged one of the cats’ tails very gently. I was amazed as the cat
started to talk.
“Listen to my tale of
paws with claws. It was a time of cats and dogs. There was water and cogs
falling from the sky.”
My ears started to
hurt as the tale went on with puns coming with speed. But as it finished,
Corporal
Punishment pulled the next tail. After he had done it nine times my head rang
with pain. Inspector Problem had got closer to me.
“Now consider yourself
lucky. You got off lightly. Now leave and don’t get into any more trouble or
you will find the next time we will be harder on you,”
I turned on my heels
and left the station smartly. The guide dog close to me as I did so.
“Quick I need the
nearest inn,”
“I take it you mean a
pub mister,”
“Yes I do,”
“I had to make sure as
we have inns and outs here too,”
I groaned as my head
spun with the pain.
“When we go into this
pub you will have to watch out for the peas and cues,”
I let the dog lead me into a smaller brick building down the street from the
station. Looking at the sign I saw that it read ‘What’s yours’. Trust the pubs
in Punderland to have strange names. Going into the pub I noted that the bar
room was full of Green peas still in their pods. Glancing to where the game
room was I saw lots of cues playing pool. Each cue tipped itself up to the
table to hit the balls across the table. I carefully made my way around the
peas to reach the bar, which was made out of iron.
“What can I get you
sir?”
My mouth fell open at
the figure behind the iron bar. It was a tall square piece of grass with
cricket pitch markings on its surface. After getting my senses back I spoke to
the figure.
“What is there to
drink landlord?”
“Spring water, Iron
brew, Screw driver, Steel bitter and a brass Larger,”
“Hmm. I think I will
try the Larger please,”
The landlord picked up
a tall thin glass. It placed this under the taps on the bar spun the top. A
thin golden liquid bubbled out into the glass tuning it frosty. He placed the
glass in front of me. I looked at the liquid with an eye to see if there was anything
strange about it. But I could not see anything wrong with it. I picked up the
glass to have a sip. To my surprise it was good to drink.
I glanced over to my
left on seeing a green pea pod pick a pint glass up. It was strange watching it
happen.
“I love these places.
I have a tender part inside of me for this land,”
I looked down to the
guide dog, which was sat to the right of me.
“What was that about?”
“Oh that’s just a
mushy pea,”
I felt a sudden surge
in my blood pressure.
“That is the last
straw,”
“No that pub is just
down the street on the right,”
At that I walked out
of the pub and started down the street for the harbor.
“Wait you haven’t seen
the c yet,”
That was more than I
could take. I placed my hands over my ears and closed my eyes in the hope it
would all go away. I felt giddy again. The world started to spin quickly. Then
I heard a buzzing noise. I slowly opened my eyes to see I was in bed. The sound
was that of my alarm radio going. I was back in my own room. How did that
happen, and what was going on. Was I dreaming? Glancing around those were my
posters, wardrobe, the rainbow curtains. It was all there and was mine. I stood
up shakily. Stumbled over to the window. The day looked bright and clear. I
pulled the curtains open. Looking out down on to the road outside my mouth
drooped open. As down there I saw a beach front. There was lots of letters c
rolling up onto the peas sunbathing.
